Posting from my sun lounger to share my thoughts, and boy, do I have a lot of them.
I am reading Caroline Knapp's book, Drinking. A love Story. I bought it a long time ago but needed a break from sober books. Plus, it never actually appealed to me despite its rave reviews.
But I am blown away.
I am so sad she is no longer alive because I feel compelled to write to her shouting 'YES, ME TOO! I GET IT AND I GET YOU'. Since she's not here I'm pouring it out to you instead.
A 'journey of self discovery' is a much better way of portraying what I feel is often self indulgent, over analysing of oneself. I, for sure, am guilty of this. Perhaps perversely I enjoy reading about someone else having the same degree of self scrutiny, puzzlement and theories as they try to sort themselves out and live as normal people do.
What I have learnt most profoundly, is that I am an addict.
Whether to alcohol, food, sugar, cigarettes or a myriad of other pleasure giving (and taking) substances and behaviours that I have not yet tried, merely giving them up is not the solution. As Caroline says, this is merely 'Same dance, different shoes'.
Instead, something is needed to fill the void of neediness within me. Something is missing and I've tried for many years to plug it one way or another, a true serial addict.
Through fear of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, I'm going to search for the cause of that space.
What is it that is missing?
What am I trying to replace?
Another blogger suggested a book called 'Feeding your demons' which I will check out as a starting point.
Any experience of this kind of 'stuff' out there please share below.
Me, I'm off for another sparking water.