Malcontent is not a french word. I looked it up in the dictionary and it describes me to a tee today. It means:
-a discontented person -one who bears a grudge from a sense of grievance or thwarted ambition -one who is in active opposition to an established order -a rebel
I thought I had this alcohol thing kicked in to touch. For the last few months I've not given it too much thought. Rather than be defined as a none drinker, it just so happens that I, don't drink and it's not felt like a big deal.
However, in the last few days I've an overwhelming urge to get drunk. To have a glass or two of wine in full knowledge of what will follow. I have wanted to be drunk.
This has made me feel discontent and the fact that I feel that way about alcohol still, annoys me even more. As I've become more and more annoyed I've wanted more and more to get drunk, become oblivious , just forget about it all for a little while. Almost agreeing (with myself) that I would purposefully do this and then give up again.
I don't know what brought it on. I am busy just now with several balls in the air (aren't we all though?). The other night we were speaking about our retirement and that we'd spend 2-3 months at a time in Spain. I thought, yes, it would be nice to start drinking again then- there would be nothing to stop me.
Nice? Nice? What? Why? Now?
Why do I still think this would be a good thing to do? Is it that life would be relaxed and wound down and I could afford what, time?, to go around in a hazy state? I feel like a leopard who has not managed to change her spots.
Despite this, I won't drink just now. I'm too stubborn, but this itself leaves me feeling even more irritated that this is, and remains after 15 months, such a big deal.
(I don't moan much on the blog so forgive me this once) x