Tweets by @SoberRachel

Saturday, 14 June 2014

Malcontent

Malcontent is not a french word. I looked it up in the dictionary and it describes me to a tee today.
It means:
-a discontented person
-one who bears a grudge from a sense of grievance or thwarted ambition
-one who is in active opposition to an established order
-a rebel
I thought I had this alcohol thing kicked in to touch. For the last few months I've not given it too much thought. Rather than be defined as a none drinker, it just so happens that I, don't drink and it's not felt like a big deal.
However, in the last few days I've an overwhelming urge to get drunk. To have a glass or two of wine in full knowledge of what will follow. I have wanted to be drunk.
This has made me feel discontent and the fact that I feel that way about alcohol still, annoys me even more. As I've become more and more annoyed I've wanted more and more to get drunk, become oblivious , just forget about it all for a little while. Almost agreeing (with myself) that I would purposefully do this and then give up again.
I don't know what brought it on. I am busy just now with several balls in the air (aren't we all though?). The other night we were speaking about our retirement and that we'd spend 2-3 months at a time in Spain. I thought, yes, it would be nice to start drinking again then- there would be nothing to stop me.
Nice? Nice? What? Why? Now?
Why do I still think this would be a good thing to do? Is it that life would be relaxed and wound down and I could afford what, time?, to go around in a hazy state? I feel like a leopard who has not managed to change her spots.
Despite this, I won't drink just now. I'm too stubborn, but this itself leaves me feeling even more irritated that this is, and remains after 15 months, such a big deal.
(I don't moan much on the blog so forgive me this once) x

4 comments :

  1. I think quite a few people have these type of thoughts after a while. Things can get a bit stale in recovery and people become complacent. If I get these thoughts I try to see what is behind them, there is normally something that I wish to avoid. Once I can see what is going on I can do something about it. The more practice I have the less likely I am to do something stupid on impulse! Over time I have found many things that make me feel better than drink. Sometimes we have to do a bit of work and take a step back to see what is going on. I have recently looked at the UK Smart recovery handbook and this has lots of different good ideas to help people do this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks LL52. Glad I'm not alone. Will check out Smart recovery- good tip.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm devouring your book to give me the drive to kick drinking. I've been so impressed I'm almost there ... But I DID give up drinking once for two years, 2005 - 2007. But when DH and I booked a gites in the south of France the temptation loomed Big Time. What the hell? We said (we'd quit together), just for this one week ... and here I am, 2014 trying to pick up where I left off in 2007. To think I could have been nearly ten years sober but for that one week of wine.... so you know where to put those naughty thoughts! love Cherry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI Cherry, thanks for sharing that, I do wonder if I could just get off the wagon for a few days or a holiday and then get back on again as though nothing has happened. I could see it taking me 7 years too: I remember and maintain that the hardest time was day zero to day1. Rx

      Delete

Follow @SoberRachel