Just as drinking wine consumed and infiltrated every aspect of my life, I now find that being sober has done the same. *Warning: may be trigger-y to some readers*.
On Saturday I contemplated, quite rationally, choosing to step off the wagon. I tried to avoid my black and white, all or nothing thinking and see the reality of having 2/3 of a bottle of wine being just that and no more. Could I drink wine one day and then continue the next as if nothing had happened?
I checked the fridge and there was a bottle of mediocre white wine languishing at the back that would do. I suppose.
I thought some more about having it, and some more again about the consequences of doing so and found my reasons for not drinking have changed somewhat from those I held firm over the last 2 and a bit years.
I accepted I was a bit down, a bit bored, a bit meh, and that wine would take my focus away from this negativity. I also noticed it was 4.30pm and the wine drinking would be over by 7pm. What would I do for the rest of the night? Drink more? Switch back to tea?
Would I blog about drinking alcohol? Would I dare? What would you think? Could I credibly continue to write a blog with sobriety at its core? Would I do a good bye post or just change the focus, perhaps to one of moderation? No, I didn't want that feeling of having let myself down and besides, moderation; been there, done that, works for some but not for me.
What about my forthcoming meeting with my sober friend? Would I tell her or would I keep it secret? If I told her could I really sit with a glass or two of wine while she stayed firm in her sobriety, that sobriety that brought us together?
What about my work colleagues to whom I've stated that I no longer drink? We have an overnight trip coming up, how would I explain that I was drinking again? (Ironic since I debated so much about how to tell them I had stopped!)
What about tomorrow? Would I really be able to shake it off and convince myself there was no harm done and no fuss to be made? Or would I begin a downward slide into lethargy, disappointment, despair and self-loathing at my choice?
What about my current diet with its base in high protein, low carbs, even less sugar and NO ALCOHOL? Its success would suffer too. Mmmmmm.
All of a sudden it seemed that my whole life was set up and around not drinking. It just no longer fit in and it was certainly not worth all the effort it would take to shoehorn back in.
To begin to drink again would be as big a change now, as giving up was then.
All along I knew I didn't really want to drink and that wine would not be a helpful option but I had wanted to explore some of my thinking around this. By the time I had finished my thinking it was 8pm. I was still a bit bored but my mood had perked up after having cake for dessert and I was horrified at the thought that I could have chosen to drink only a couple of hours beforehand.
I removed the wine from the fridge and put it to the back of the cupboard just in case I take leave of my senses again.