Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Round 3


I've just passed my 4 year soberversary and feel I'm back at the very beginning. I've not relapsed with drink I'm pleased to say but the events of my life this year so far have intensified my binge eating to a point that I can longer ignore it as a problem. Nor do I want to. I am now definitely fat and bloated.

I've been controlled by food all my life and now I'm really going to sort it out. While I've been reading around the subject, I recognised lots of familiar themes and felt reassured by their familiarity. I'm talking about choosing what to eat (drink) or not, knowing I can satisfy my craving any time I choose to, delaying and deciding that if I still really want it tomorrow then I can have it then, just not now, at this moment (when it is really tough). I recalled always being able to justify it, always allowing myself to have it now and stop later on, always planning 'new starts' and always failing. Always making the same mistakes.

At first I felt scared of not collapsing into an evening of biscuits, having to sit with that yearning, that want, acknowledging the discomfort but then I read that by doing this, the urge fades. Suddenly I felt optimistic because I already know that.

From my experience giving up booze I know the cravings go and new habits form and life goes on in a much better way, a way which you just cannot imagine at the start. I remember feeling as though I was taking a big leap of faith giving up booze and believing all that others ahead of me said. What if they were wrong? What if I was different? What if it didn't happen to me? 
I couldn't comprehend not wanting to drink wine then and I feel exactly the same now with the chocolates and stodge EXCEPT I believe the want will fade as long as I can hang on tight through these early days. That's where you guys come in!

I did it once before when I stopped smoking (16 years ago) although could not have articulated it this way back then, I did it again 4 years ago when I gave up booze and I know I'll be able to do it a third time and give up junk. And yes, I do believe in the theory of serial and substitute addictions. I know I have it, because smoking and cakes were never a problem when I was drinking, and while drink is no longer a problem, cake has become so.

I'm not talking about serious starvation here. I'm talking about eating my 3 pretty healthy meals a day as usual and then stopping. No afters, no snacky bites, no ice cream cos its sunny or chocolate because its raining. No cake cos someones leaving work/having a birthday/ raising money for charity. In isolation these things are fine- but just like the booze- once started I cannot stop.
So I'll bore you all here with my tales of cake and biscuit resistance- if you don't mind of course?

11 comments :

  1. I totally get where your coming from!

    I stopped drinking in November last year, it was the start of Christmas and all the goodies where around and I just let myself eat what I wanted, I wasn't drinking after all!

    But then when January came and I had promised myself to be good and stop eating the crap, I felt so deprived and it made me feel flat and quite down. I felt like food and drink wise I had no enjoyment. Also when I stopped drinking I promised myself I would maintain my social life and going out for meals is a big part of that, and if Im not having wine I will be having a pudding!So now I try and be good in the week then treat myself at weekends, and eat what I fancy.

    I've also upped my exercise and try to do "something" everyday, and I've started drinking lots of green tea! My weight loss is very very slow but I feel like I can maintain this balance and still enjoy my food. When I was drinking I always restricted my food and then pigged out when drunk so now alcohol is removed it's finding a balance and a new way of eating for me!

    4 years is amazing!!! If you can do that you can do anything!! :-) xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congrats on 4 years lovely! :) I'll be mindful of my sweet intake with you if you like? xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. happy to have your support as always. Need to stop putting the stuff in my mouth myself too!

      Delete
  3. You've got this, Rachel. You've acknowledged it. As Ang75 said, if you can quit wine, you can do anything. WE can do it! We're here to vent with you! XO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeh! Guess it's another thing like wine, that when you say 'i drink/eat too much' millions of other women say yeah, me too! And there we were thinking we were the only ones!

      Delete
  4. Hi Rachel,
    Happy 4 Years!!
    I struggle with eating too much, and then I feel yucky, too.
    Once I start eating chips, and sweets, it's very hard to stop.
    xo
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am astounded at how well you´ve done with cutting out booze and I know that you are approaching your food issue with the same ideas and that´s totally understandable. However, I know that for me, putting rules in place in order to stop binge eating never worked and simply augmented the problem. It would last for two, three weeks maybe and then it would all come back because something happened or I just got that feathery light feeling of anxiety that I couldn´t stand to feel. Setting rules either facilitated black and white thinking and compounded my ideas of good and bad food. It also meant that my focus was on the food and it made me more and more likely to fill my thoughts with it. It is cheesy and people used to say it this me and I was like ¨what? of course it´s about the food!¨but ultimately it really isn´t, it´s about the feelings. I binged for 15 years.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I appreciate all the feedback and love to hear others' ideas. I guess I'm hoping that one day I'll find the answer. Is your bingeing in the past now? would love to hear how you managed in the end.

      Delete
  6. Thanks for sharing this amazing blog and the details about sober really awesome.
    Good work.
    Sober

    ReplyDelete
  7. Very interesting and informative blog and about the sober I must appreciate your work well done keep it up.

    recovery

    ReplyDelete

Go on, spill.

Follow @SoberRachel